The last few months have been… blech…  That’s about all I can say.  Not much work, barely making it, and recovering from a life-threatening infection are not really all that fun.

But I’m better.

Yesterday, I had a stress test.  All signs of the bacterial pericarditis are gibe, and the cardiologist wanted to see if my heart had been damaged by it.  Prior to the test, I had been restricted from any strenuous activity.  No sex, no working out, no running.  I could walk to the bus stop, and not much further than that.  Basically, no fun, and not really able to do much of anything.

And my heart is fine.  Actually, it’s kind of freaky weird, but… it’s always been that way…

The stress test is basically walking, then running, on a treadmill until you want to cry out that you’re going to die…  In my case, it was until my legs couldn’t take it anymore…. LOL  My heart did fine.  Never got over 140 bpm, but that’s actually normal for my heart, with a resting heart rate of 52 bpm…. yes, I apparently have the heart of a marathon runner.  Too bad I don’t have the lungs and body to match… my muscles gave out before my heart rate got very high

So I’m good to go.  I’m cleared for working out again, though my doctor wants me to start slow and work up to more strenuous, regular working out.  I’m fine with that.  The last few months of near-inactivity have done a number on my muscles!

My son is a “What If…” sort of kid.  He’s 12 now, and when he started doing this… oh around 7 or so years ago… I figured he’d grow out of it.  So far?  No luck on that.  He’s still a rampant What Iffer… and it drives me insane.  Because he asks the kind of “What Ifs” that are so impossible that wrapping the mind around them is about like writing a novel.  It’s possible, but a lot of pain and tears go into it.  ”What if someone walked up and handed you a million dollars right now, Mom?” he’ll ask me.  Possible?  Well, as far as anything’s possible, sure.  Likely?  Not on your life.

I do have a good imagination, and a very rich fantasy life.  (Quit thinking dirty, my imagination lately has been running towards possible novels, very little sex involved )  I do like to think about What Ifs.  They can be fun.  Planning for the future is a bit of a necessity, though I’m not very good at it.  I’m still working on the making it from one day to the next thing.

But I think about how much is What Ifs aggravate me, and I realize just how much life has beaten me down.  What if someone did hand me a million dollars tomorrow?  It’s so far out of the realm of possibility for me that thinking about it hurts.  I’ve just managed to make over $10,000 this year.  Seriously.  And that’s about a grand more than I made last year.  Again, seriously.  I’m so used to struggling just to keep a roof over my head, that I don’t want to imagine my life any differently.  It’s not that I can’t imagine it, it’s that I don’t want to spend any more time on disappointment.  Because I’ve had enough of that already.

I’ve got a minor respiratory infection that I’m fighting right now.  My previously good immune system has been pretty much wiped out from fighting off the bacterial pericarditis.  That sounds so… blech… and doesn’t begin to describe just how dangerous the condition really is.  But I’m better.  A bit of a cough is nothing when there were days I thought I might not make it at all.  Chest pain=not fun.

I’ll be getting internet and phone back on at home sometime this month.  The exact timing depends on the phone company, and they’ve been known to take WEEKS to do installs in my neighborhood.  I speak from experience…

I gained 6 pounds throughout all this, which isn’t bad considering I’ve been practically bed bound, with the occasional venture to the doctor’s office (okay, 5 appointments a week is a tad bit MORE than occasional…) and the time I’ve spent on campus so I could get online and download work files so that I could keep bringing some money in.

Client work has suffered, and that upsets me.  I’ve only really been able to do one contract, and that’s a transcription contract, because I don’t have to be online to do the work, and I can do it sitting down.  Hoping as my health gets better, I can pick a few things up, and having internet at home will make that so much easier as well.

The house got AWFUL while I was sick.  Literally the worst it’s ever been.  It was quite embarrassing, although it did serve to keep my stepmother away.  Thank goodness for that…  A friend came over Saturday and spent 8 hours cleaning my entire house.  I mean everything.  She cleaned the kitchen, the dining room, living room, upstairs, got all the dishes done, and even sorted through the clothes so my ex can take them to be washed.  My house is amazingly clean now.  Cleaner than I could have ever gotten it.  She’s had health issues of her own, so she knows how things can quickly get out of control when you literally can’t do anything at all.  Being a single mom with little family support doesn’t help to get things done either.

It’s been a matter of trying to make enough money to pay the bills, which didn’t actually happen, and fighting with the state for assistance.  I’m not permanently disabled, as far as their concerned, because the heart issue is resolving, and I don’t have an official MS diagnosis, so they aren’t really helpful.  I recently got another notice of land contract judgment, but that will be resolved soon.  Court is December 21st, and I have 90 days after the court date to pay or move.  I managed to snag work with Demand Studios, and am now officially making enough money to clear that out without any issues before the expiration of the judgment papers.  And I also file taxes really early, so will get my tax return by the end of January to help with that if necessary.

It feels good to be moving forward, to be getting healthier, even if I still have the occasional set back.

The doctor still won’t let me work out.  We don’t know how badly my heart was damaged, and he can’t really do stress tests until this respiratory infection clears, though he figures he’ll likely clear me for light workouts by January, which is good for me!  I miss working out!  Never, ever thought I’d say that LOL

I don’t know where I’m going with this blog.  I’m not sure I want to continue it, or if I want to start a new one.  My life has changed so much in the last couple of months, due to the severity of my illness, and I’m looking at where I want to go with my life.  I’m still in school.  That has NOT been easy, but it being an online school has helped tremendously.  I even managed to get a 4.0 in my class last month, bringing my overall GPA to 3.67.  Two years to go and I finish my degree.  That’s actually a really good feeling.

I may continue this blog, or I may start a new blog.  Just don’t really know right now.  I’m also looking at what I’m going to do about Fat Girl Gets Fit and Thin by 10.  This illness has REALLY thrown my weight loss for a loop.  I’m struggling to find motivation for that again.  It’s in there, but when walking across the living room leaves you out of breath, it’s hard to think of working out.  And yes, there were days when walking across the living room had me absolutely gasping for air.  It’s interesting, even with this respiratory infection, I’m breathing easier than I was when the heart infection was at its worst!

I wrote a LOT last month.  Over 90,000 words for NaNoWriMo.  The novel is unfinished, and a mish-mash travesty of Sci Fi LOL  I had a LOT of time waiting in doctor’s offices, and used that to do a lot of writing.  It helped that the story was one that’s been brewing in my head for years.  Don’t know if you picked it up by all the blogs I have, but I really do enjoy writing

Money… money is interesting.  In November, thanks to picking up the work with Demand Studios, and the long-term transcription contract that I’ve got, I made more money than any previous month this entire year.  While I was struggling through the worst illness I’ve ever experienced.  It’s enabling me to catch up all my bills, and to actually have surpassed what I made last year.  Not by much, but I actually will break $10k this year LOL  It’s kind of sad when you get giddy about having made $10,000 in year.  But I made it.  One more year in abject poverty, and yet we’ve somehow managed to have all our needs met.  Yeah, got a bit behind on the house payment, but that will be caught up.  At least I’ve got a roof over my head.  And power.  And water.  And soon, internet and phone again.

This last few months have been… well… not fun.

Between no internet at home, and being very, very, very sick, me and online time have not been the best of friends.

I spend a LOT of time at the doctor’s offices (yes, multiple doctors…) and have managed to get a LOT of reading and writing done.  LOL  I mean a lot.  NaNoWriMo?  No problem.  Word goal was 50,000 for November, I passed 92,000 words.  Seriously.  Sitting in waiting rooms for hours on end, there’s not much else to do.

I’m better.  I’m still on restricted activity, which is aggravating to the extreme.  I’m allowed to walk to the bus stop, and that’s the extent of physical activity I’m allowed to do.  And the doctor only allows that because otherwise I can’t make it to the doctor *sigh*

There were days when I slept until 1:00 in the afternoon, got up, went to the doctor, and came home and went right back to bed.  I’m getting better about that now, not nearly as tired.  Which is good, because that really makes you feel like you’ve completely wasted your day.

So I’m doing better.  Not all the way better, but better.

Yep, it could kill me.  However, the fact that I’m now in treatment for it means that I stand a very, very good chance of recovering fully.  The doctor tells me that he’s giving me a 99% chance of recovery.  I may have some cardiac issues ongoing after the infection is cleared up.  That will depend on if the infection does any damage to my heart, which remains to be seen.

His big concern right now is the type of infection.  We know it’s bacterial, which means treatment by antibiotics.  Yay!  The worry is that it may be antibiotic resistant.  That would be BAD.  For now, though, he’s assuming that it’s just a normal bacterial infection.  Or at least as normal of an infection around your HEART can be… and is treating it accordingly.  Aggressively too…

IV antibiotics while I was in the hospital last week.  And thanks to my being a not pleasant patient and having crappy medical coverage… I got to go home on Friday, and they left the IV port in.  My chest.  It’s in my chest.  Because the veins in my arms are BAD, and I REFUSED to let them leave one in my hands.  Because I do still have to work.  I do still have to make money to pay the bills.  And hopefully move soon…  yay for everything going wrong at once.

So yep… I have an IV port in my chest.  Oh freaking joy.  Luckily, it’s small, and covered with a bandage, and easily covered by a shirt.  So no one notices it!  Thank goodness!  I’m so vain sometimes LOL  Actually, it’s not vanity that makes me not want people to notice it.  It’s not wanting to have to answer questions.

I’ve already had to explain this to my son, who is totally freaked out, and has turned into the sweetest go-to boy in the world since discovering mom is REALLY sick…  He even cleaned yesterday.  Without my saying a word to him.  I almost fainted at that one…

So what does a single mom in dire financial straits do when this sick?  Go on about business as usual.  Suck it up.  Pretend that everything is okay.  Put on a brave face.  And live life like there’s nothing wrong.  Because I can’t take the time to be sick.  I’m a bit slower.  I still walk everywhere, but I get winded very easily.  But other than that, I’m out and about, doing what I have to do to keep on moving.  I don’t really have a choice.

I’m sitting in a hospital bed.  I hate hospitals.  I am, however, lucky that this hospital has WiFi, and that my ex-husband works here so he hooks me up

If I had a “real” job, I’d be freaking out right now.  Worried about losing it, etc.  But I don’t have a real job.  Clients are very understanding that I can’t get as much done right now.  Even with internet access, being in a hospital room is NOT conducive to work.  At all.  The plug is all the way across the room.  I have to have a nurse plug my laptop in, let it charge for a couple hours, and then bring it over where I work until the battery is dying, and then start again.

I’m also in the cardiac intensive care ward.  Not exactly a pleasant place to be.  Not exactly a quiet place to be, either.  Frankly, it sucks.  I can’t concentrate worth a darn, especially with nurses coming in every half hour or so to check on me or my roommate, who is a very bitter, cranky old woman, wondering what a young one like me is doing in here…  As if young people never have heart trouble…

My ex visits on his breaks.  His job is in a different building, across the parking lot.  My son comes by after school.  And that’s pretty much the extent of my visitors.  And believe me, I’m okay with that.  I don’t want to see anyone else.

I want to go home.  Well, not to my house, which is now pretty much unlivable… but away from here.  Doctor says maybe Friday he’ll discharge me to outpatient treatment, which would be freaking sweet.  They’d leave the IV port in for ease of access, since they’re pumping me with strong antibiotics to kill the infection.  But out of here would be so, so nice.

My heart is infected.  Or the sack around my heart at least.

It’s why I was having shortness of breath last week.  My cardiologist is pissed off.  It should have been diagnosed in the hospital while I was there all weekend, and I apparently should have never been released.

So I’m back in the hospital, and likely will be for at least two days, while I get IV antibiotics, and maybe more.  Doctor hasn’t decided yet whether to keep me beyond that, or have me go outpatient for daily IV antibiotic injections.

I tend to be asymptomatic with infections of all kinds, and so doctors often don’t do the right tests to determine the problem.  Shortness of breath can be any number of things, and I have previous cardiac problems.  So they sent me home with a referral to a cardiologist.

Not fun.  NOT FUN.

Friday, I went to the hospital with trouble breathing and some minor chest pains.  Scary times.  I stayed all weekend.  I hate hospitals.  I hate IVs.  I have one, seriously, ONE good spot on my arms in which to put an IV, and it’s right at the outer edge of my right inner elbow.  Close to nerves.  Painful.  And scarred from the many, many times it’s been used for IVs and blood draws.  Seriously, that’s the only good one.  And I’ve had many a nurse try other spots…

After the arm, they have to hit the backs of my hands.  NOT FUN.  At all.  By Saturday, the IV had popped out of my arm, and they had to go to the back of my left hand.  Luckily, that one stayed.

So I’m out of the hospital now.  At a friends house for the time being, as they don’t want me home alone, and my son is at school.

And as usual, no real clue as to what is wrong with me.  Irregular heart beat is a definite, but the cause is unknown.  Nor is how I’m walking and talking… I’m such a funky case… Heart rate was down around 40 at some points.  FREAKY.  Though not as low as it’s been in the past.  I’ve set off monitors before.  Which is scary.

I have an appointment with a cardiologist tomorrow.  Yay, new doctor… to add to my GP and my neurologist and my physical therapist.

Can it just end now?

If you’ve never heard of it, NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month.  It takes place from November 1st to November 30th, and participants set a goals of writing a novel of 50,000+ words in that time.  To “win” you simply write your novel, and verify your word count.

I’d signed up several years ago, but never actually managed to write anything at all.  I’ve decided that this year, I’m going to go hardcore and really do this.  I’m going to the write-ins that my local NaNo chapter are holding at Panera and Borders on Fridays and Sundays.  My son is even participating as well.  Funny… he’s got more planning into his novel than I do.  He’s got a title, a main character, a plot line… I have a sentence…  with no clue about the main character or what’s going to happen in it…

But darn it all, I’m going to do it!  Are you?

Ever have one of those times when you look at your life and say, “This is not me… this is not my life… this is not what I want…”  I have that happen quite often.  Heck, I’ve probably written about it here before…

The last few weeks have been… unholy hell?  No, not hell, I’ve gone through worse things in my life, though this is coming close.  Between the house falling apart, and the lack of work, it’s been a really rough few weeks.  Add to that the sprained ankle with torn tendons that kept me from walking for a couple of weeks, the internet being turned off, and the repeated and various infections that my body has been deciding to throw at me, and it’s been fun times…

Blech… infections…  Eye infection leads to antibiotics leads to yeast infection leads to fungal treatment leads to ear infection leads to antibiotics leads to… an unending cycle of bodily imbalance and unpleasantness…

House is falling apart, and the stress of that throws the immune system off, allowing the opportunistic infections to wreak havoc… blech… blech… blech…

And here I am figuring out how to move forward.  I’m still in school.  Not giving that up.  I’m loving school, though not so much loving the class I’m in right now… so it’s good that class is done on Sunday, and the next class starts on Monday  In fact, the book for the next class will be here tomorrow.  That’ll be a fun one, Graphic Design.  Woohoo!  Two months of it even!

So I’m re-evaluating.  Figuring out where to go next.  Again and again I get drawn into doing readings for pay, though I avoid that because, well, people drive me crazy… and you get a lot of crazy people when you do readings… anyway… fun times…

And now I’m off to take Motrin and antibiotics for my raging ear infection…